The experiences in this post are elaborated upon in the book, I Never Signed Up for This, by Ann Bowman. Listen to Ann’s most recent podcast about TCKs here.
As a grandmother to children who live on the mission field, I found some
surprises. It wasn’t just their fascination with refrigerator doors that spit out ice or their questions abut the purpose of traffic lights. The biggest surprise was the fact that when they returned to the U.S. on furlough, they were no longer typical American children. They were Third Culture Kids, or TCKs.
TCK’s do not fully fit into American culture and they don’t completely mesh with
the country where they live on the field. Why is this important to recognize? TCK’s
experience many more traumas than kids who live regular lives in America. They say a lot of goodbyes. They are usually closer to experiencing war nearby, and seeing poverty and hunger. My own grandchildren experienced all of this, plus they were separated from their parents twice for several weeks due to guerrilla warfare destroying a bridge nearby and a harshly imposed covid quarantine. The older two girls were aware that friends from their neighborhood were being trafficked as poverty settled over the war-torn country. My grandchildren were aged only 9 and 12—their friends were of similar ages. These traumas add up to become big issues in little hearts.
After three and a half years on the field, Covid, and a military coup, my missionary
family returned stateside, and it was evident that some major debriefing was due.
Fortunately, their sending church and sending organization paved the way to make that happen. There were many indicators that prompted the decision for a family debriefing. For two grandchildren there was excessive anger. One of the boys had recurring nightmares of soldiers trying to harm him—although he had seen men with machine guns, they never directed at him. The youngest screamed when his mom got very far from him. He didn’t want to be separated from her. The oldest was uncharacteristically withdrawn and rarely met our eyes.
Because I have stayed close to my four young grandchildren with frequent zoom
calls, my daughter asked me to help with the debriefing. Their particular program took the form of a professional counselor who called the parents with zoom daily over three days. He explained some things and walked them through the activities which he sent ahead of time. He then helped process the information that came out of these sessions. He pinpointed which of the grandchildren could use further counseling to unpack heavier hurts and emotions.
I was very impressed with the work that the whole family was able to do as they
opened up the wounds that were deep. The activities were really simple, but with the guided conversation starters with each one, so much was unpacked. We had
worksheets to color while we talked about emotions. There were games that the
children loved. Art therapy was used as timelines were made for each child. The
parents listened to the stories each child told and then validated their emotions. At one powerful moment, mother and daughter ended up weeping in each others arms as the rest of us sat wiping our own tears. An experience years before had left a scary wound on the little girl’s heart, and she had never released that. The counselor laid out guidelines enabling the parents to continue debriefing regularly as a family. They all now had the tools of recognizing and naming their emotions. The parents helped each child choose an activity they could use to self-regulate their feelings when they felt overwhelmed. One liked to be by herself and listen to music. Another liked having art supplies so that she could color. The boys loved lego building. Knowing that in the future they could bring anything to their parents was huge.
Covid highlighted the greater need for TCK debriefing and care. Sending
organizations and churches are recognizing this and providing it. As a grandmother, I have made it a priority to read and learn about TCK trauma and how to best interact with my granchildren. Churches can help missionaries who are home on furlough by providing TCK training for youth leaders and Sunday school teachers. These church workers will be interacting with the missionary kids weekly and the understanding and grace they can offer will mean so much to the parents as they are serving the church while speaking and fundraising.
After visiting my daughter and her family where they serve overseas, I realized
that just a typical Sunday school setting in a large U.S. church holds more kids than the littlest grandchildren had ever experienced before. It can be overwhelming to them. It is important to realize that these kids will not understand American social cues. My three youngest grandchildren did not even learn English as their first language.
Being a TCK is a mixed bag but it’s the awareness of the trauma by parents,
churches, sending organizations—and grandparents—that makes the difference. On a positive note, after ten years of watching my grands living with their parents on the mission field, I see so many positive traits. They are not afraid of people from different countries. They befriend children of all ethnicities and those that are handicapped. This is the wonderful side that comes from living a life overseas.
Resources:
TCK Training — www.tcktraining.com — wealth of information, workshops and other
resources helpful to those on the field and those who care for loved ones on the field.
Books:
The Grief Tower: A Practical Guide Processing Grief with Third Culture Kids by Lauren Wells — a how-to manual on helping your family lay out their Grief Tower timeline.
Raising Up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids by Lauren Wells — a parent’s
guide to understanding what their globally mobile kids need.
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Ann Bowman is passionate about serving the body of Christ. Over the years she has spoken at women’s events, taught women’s Bible studies, and written articles for various magazines and blogs. With two daughters serving globally, Ann draws from that experience to mentor young women serving in missions through Thrive Ministry. She also earned her certification as a TCK debriefer through TCK Training. Ann and her husband reside in Texas. Together they raised four adventurous children who now live across the globe. Find her at Neversignedup.com and buy her book, I Never Signed Up for This, on Amazon.
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