Since publishing my book, The Missionary Mama’s Survival Guide in early May, my website, Parents of Goers, has enjoyed increased readership. Several times a month, I receive questions from other Missionary Mamas, and I love to respond to them. Since I think you could all benefit from these interactions, I have decided to feature them as future blog posts. Here is a question from Debbie about furlough:
Tori, I would love to hear your thoughts on helping our missionary kids when they are home on furlough or as it is called now “home visits”. Do you host your children when they return? Does the church provide housing for them? How are you intentional during those months when life is so busy for them trying to connect with so many people? Many more thoughts racing through my mind but this is all for now.
Hello Debbie, I love fielding questions like this! As always, I have lots of thoughts so I will respond to your specific questions and add some gleanings from my own experience.
Do you host your children when they return? The only experience that I have had with furlough–or home visits–was precipitated by Covid. Our kids returned home because they had to leave their country before the borders were closed because of the pandemic. We did host our children in our home. We have a unique situation because we have a two-bedroom apartment (separate entrance, full kitchen, laundry) in our basement. So, the ability to have our own living spaces was very beneficial. However, whenever an adult child–especially a child who has been on his own in a different culture for an extended time–moves back into a home with his parents, there is bound to be some stress involved. I hate to say it because I looked so forward to having them with us, but adding several new people to our empty nest caused me to feel somewhat invaded (I have an entire chapter in my book about this called “Sharing the Campsite”). I wanted so much to serve them and care for them that I neglected to set boundaries for who did what, and I ended up feeling overwhelmed. Looking back, I think I would have enjoyed their time with us much more had I set up expectations regarding their team meetings at our home, childcare for our granddaughter, and general household chores. That being said, I tried to remind myself that their visit was a very unique–and unexpected– situation, and I was very grateful that they were so close.
Does the church provide housing for them? I think this is probably dependent on the church, but because of the nature of the pandemic situation, our kids’ sending church did try to find host homes and/or apartments for team members. Some of the team stayed in the sending church city, and some were sent to various other cities where our network has church plants. Our kids, and some of their team for a time, stayed with us. If you are unsure what happens when–and if–your kids were to have an unexpected home visit, ask them. If they don’t know, contact their sending church or mobilization agency to find out.
How are you intentional during those months when life is so busy for them trying to connect with so many people? This was a hard one for me. I envisioned their home visit as a time for them to recharge their batteries and spend extended time with us. They envisioned it as a time to reconnect with their supporters and a time to recruit new ones. They had multiple meetings each week and sometimes on the weekends so finding time to sip coffee in the mornings and discuss our lives was difficult. We tried to be intentional by scheduling family meals with them at least once a week. This was something they could commit to and put on their calendars. This also gave me a chance to spoil them a bit with their favorite foods. When they spent these evenings with us they gave us their full attention and we got to discuss our present situation and their hopes for the future. These were valuable and precious times.
I want to be truthful in my responses about furlough. But I also want to tell you that even though my house was messy and my schedule was drastically altered, I wouldn’t have traded that time with them for anything. To have my precious son and his family close enough to touch and hug and kiss for many months was truly a gift to this mama. Anything worth doing is going to come with some struggle. It was definitely worth it!
Here is an acronym I included in my book to help me to offer GRACE during this unique time of togetherness:
Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they seem ungrateful or inattentive, assume they are processing their experiences in the past or wondering about the future. Going back to their home culture—and especially living with parents—can take some major adjustment.
Readjust your expectations to fit your desires and abilities. Do you want them to assist with household tasks or meal preparation? If so, let them know the ways that they can help. Making roles clear will enable them to contribute and allow you to do your work joyfully.
Ask them how they are feeling about their lives. What makes them happy? What makes them sad? What are their hopes for the future?
Create a serene environment for them. Slow down your life for a time so you can focus on these very precious ones who are physically present with you. You will be so glad you did this when they finally say goodbye.
Enjoy! They won’t live with you forever. Intentionally build relationships with your kids and grandkids while they are living under your roof. Make memories that will sustain you when they are far away.
If you have any questions about your journey as a Parent of a Goer, please contact me on this website and I will try to address them here. I really love connecting with all of you!
TORI
Parents of Goers 