In my upcoming book, Missionary Mama’s Survival Guide: compassionate help for the mothers of cross-cultural workers (to be released by The Upstream Collective January 10, 2023) I discuss how my family looks for cairns to help us find our way when we are hiking. Cairn (pronounced exactly like it looks, kind of a quick “Karen”) is a Scottish term and is a man-made pile or stack of stones. Cairns are used all over the world as landmarks and are specifically used as trail markers on many hiking paths. Here is an excerpt from Missionary Mama’s Survival Guide:
In my effort to be a good survival guide, I am highlighting the cairns that have been the most helpful on my Missionary Mama journey. I hope they will help you stay on the path as well.
THE CAIRN OF GRATITUDE
The Cairn of Gratitude helps you see what is good.
Now is the time to count your blessings, sister. Instead of ruminating on everything that you don’t like about this new way of life, look for the ways you are blessed. When I was really struggling after my son went overseas, especially during that very first year, I chose to keep a blessings book to help train my brain on truth. I wrote down three blessings (or more) that I experienced each day (a red cardinal, my husband cleaning up his socks, a warm and cozy bed). This didn’t necessarily remedy my sadness, but it made me feel better about my life in general.
Maybe you’re not a journal keeper. That’s okay. Purpose to notice God’s common grace, even in your most ordinary moments, and then speak your observations out loud. Instead of complaining when others inquire, smile and tell them what is (truthfully, honestly) good about your new normal. Having an attitude of gratitude will “rewire” your brain so you can develop healthy, rather than fearful or guilt-filled, thought patterns. John Ortberg says it well: “Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
THE CAIRN OF SURRENDER
The Cairn of Surrender helps you to let go.
Once I was part of a team that traveled to Africa to teach theology to indigenous pastors and their wives. As I spent time with the African women, I became amazed by their ability to do anything—tend a garden, make a meal, catch a chicken—with a baby tied to their back. It was an ingenious solution, and I applauded the women for their creative methods of keeping their children close.
When my son left to go abroad, I remembered those tied-to-mama babies. Tying their babies to their backs gave the African women a sense of control. But, as the children grew and became too heavy, the mothers had to untie the knot and release them. Isn’t this an apt description of parenting? When our kids are under our roof, we feel we can control their safety. When they fly across the ocean, we forfeit that security. That can make us feel out of control. And we are. But we have never really been in control anyway. Because our kids aren’t really our kids, they’re God’s.
One of the most important cairns on the trail is surrender. Missionary Mama, when you surrender your kids to live out their vocations, they will develop their own “trail legs” to traverse the specific journey on which God is leading them. Notice I said them. God is leading your child on a different path than the one you are on, and when you surrender her to God’s care (as opposed to your hovering presence), she will develop “spiritual muscles” by leaning on her new-found independence, her developing abilities, her faithful teammates, and her sovereign God. When our kids find themselves in an unfamiliar place, they are more likely to run toward God simply because we are not physically available. This is as it should be, even if it makes us feel less needed. Our kids need to know that we know they can thrive in their new home.
Don’t be ashamed or alarmed if this act of surrender makes you feel sad. It’s okay to feel that way. When our compass shifts from “hands-on parent” to “coach from afar,” we may feel disoriented enough to run to God ourselves.
Your kids are believing in God’s providence and protection. Are you?
THE CAIRN OF FREEDOM
The Cairn of Freedom leads you towards contentment.
One cannot find the cairn of freedom without first passing the cairns of gratitude and surrender. When we choose to see what’s good in our lives rather than focusing on the lack, and when we give up our tight-fisted grip on our kids’ lives, we enter into a restful state of freedom.
Freedom doesn’t mean your life is free of fear or pain; freedom means that you are not controlled by fear or pain. Paul Tripp says, “We invest an amazing amount of time and energy examining how we feel and how we feel about how we feel in comparison to how we are told we should normally feel.” How true is that?! As I said before, it’s okay for you to struggle with this change; to be “Fine, yes. Happy, no.” Life is like that sometimes. But we don’t want to let that struggle lead us to faulty thinking. Faulty thinking leads us to sin. And sin can lead us into emotional bondage—a place where we risk getting trapped by our fearful thoughts.
As someone once wisely observed, “Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought.” To do what we ought, we must tell ourselves the right story not only about our situation, but about our child’s vocation.
When you tell yourself what is true about your Goer, you have the freedom to think accurately about why your child has chosen to go. He is not rejecting you; he is obeying God. So be his cheerleader, not his critic. When you tell yourself the right story, you have the freedom to encourage your child even when you feel a bit discouraged yourself. Freedom releases us to be in control when our emotions threaten to push us toward the “woe is me” camp.
Conversely, when your child is struggling and it breaks your mama heart, first pause, then pray. Walking in truth gives you freedom from panic and obsessive thoughts. You may not have the ability to squelch the “rescue urge,” but you do have the ability to ask God to do the rescuing for you. He is good at that. This kind of freedom, the freedom from, will empower you to resist panicking when your Goer doesn’t text you back instantaneously (they’re probably on the subway). This kind of freedom helps you to think with accurate thoughts. Accurate thinking gives you the ability to do what you know you should do: trust God. Even when it’s hard.
And face it, this whole journey is hard. That’s why we are hiking it together.
Parents of Goers 