Contemplating Chaos
Our world is broken. In recent weeks, I have been contemplating the chaos and asking difficult questions: How can we live fearlessly in a world where bad things happen? How can we believe that God is sovereign and in control? That he is truly good? Though I haven’t found answers to all these contemplations, God has been faithful to give a bit of clarity.
Controlling the Variables
When I had four small children and needed to leave for an afternoon, I would find some brave soul to watch them. Then I would quickly sneak away. But before I fled, I would create a spreadsheet listing all the directives I thought necessary to keep them alive. In addition to the multi-page document, I would leave soft foods for them to consume, like noodles or yogurt or applesauce, because I was afraid of choking. and cooking. and knife wounds. And I would instruct the children, that, in my absence, they COULD NOT, at any time, create a fort that was airtight (like they could do this with blankets and clothespins) because I thought they would surely suffocate. In the winter, I checked the veracity of the carbon monoxide detector repeatedly before I left because a rogue squirrel might get caught in the chimney; then they would breathe the poison gas created by this blockage and die quietly. And if it was summer, I made my them always wear life jackets since I was sure they would wander over to the neighbor’s pool and drown. I forbid them to start fires (as they often did outside!) and hid all the matches in a cupboard above the refrigerator. I told the babysitter not to let them on the porch above the patio because I thought they might push through the screens, fall out the windows and crush their skulls on the cement below. I hung cordless blinds because I thought they might strangle themselves. I vetoed a trampoline because I thought they might paralyze themselves. And I never ever called medicine “candy” for fear they might find the Flintstone vitamins and overdose themselves.
At this time in my life, I thought that if I could just control all the variables, I wouldn’t have to be fearful. I truly believed that if I took all the risk out of all the experiences that my littles might encounter, I could relax and be a good mom. I spent much of my time contemplating how to make the world a safer place for them and a less scary place for me. But you know what? I never could control all the variables. In fact, the fear of these unknowns controlled me, and I was often paralyzed by worry.
How do we live our lives in faith in the One who controls all things? How do we trust that His Sovereignty is good? How do we rest in His choices for our lives? Our kids’ lives? Our future?
The struggle is real. The worry is palpable.
Choosing Truth
The solution, however, lies not in our complete control, but in our complete surrender.
Here’s how I learned to let go: As I read through the Bible, I looked for the ways God described himself; faithful, strong, unchanging, ever-present. He called Himself a fortress, a shield, a rock, an anchor. He spoke as a tender mother, a devoted father, a rescuer, a victor. He showed compassion, empathy, loyalty, sacrifice.
He said that He was GOOD.
But was he always good? My emotions doubted. As I continued to study his character, however, I found this: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28). If I truly believed in the authority of God’s Word, then I had to trust that he was working for the good in all things. This didn’t mean that all things themselves were good. It meant that God would use even the horrible and confusing things in life to propel his purposes forward. If God said he was good ALL THE TIME, then he was, even when his good looked different than mine. In Luke 22, even Jesus prayed that God would “remove this cup.” He was asking his father God to remove his current physical, emotional, and spiritual suffering–to devise a different way, a way that felt better, to achieve salvation for mankind–but God said no. God knew that atonement for sin could only be achieved through Jesus’ suffering and death on the cross. Jesus’ unimaginable anguish achieved unimaginable beauty for me. How could I gladly accept the salvation that came from Christ’s suffering but be skeptical of the good God might bring through my own? If I believed it was right for Christ to suffer to achieve good but wrong for me to do the same, then I was valuing human understanding more than God’s omnipotence.
This God-ward trusting process has taken me a long time–more than a decade; probably closer to two. In fact, God is still working on me to show me that He is truly good. But since I now know that his plans are always for my benefit, I have been able to “lay my worries on the table” and walk away. Sometimes, I lay them down–and pick them up again–multiple times a day because Satan will whisper slyly in my ear, “Did God really say…?” But then, like the weapon it is, the Word of God comes to mind and defends me, “For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” (Psalm 100:5) and “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” (Psalm 116:7) and I remember that the laying down is right.
The Sacrifice of Surrender
My children have now become adults. They cook and cut and eat chewy things like meat and nuts and grapes not split in half. They sleep in real, somewhat air-tight, tents in forests. No squirrel has ever attempted suicide in their chimneys. They have learned to swim to save themselves, their skulls are still intact, and they build fires that would impress you. They have blinds with cords, do flips on trampolines, and have never overdosed on vitamins—probably because they never take them. But now they do lots of other scary things: they drive cars on highways, fly in airplanes by themselves, and move halfway across the world where I can’t help them at all.
The thing I can do, however, is make the sacrifice of surrender.Instead of doing what comes naturally to my mama-heart (worry!), I can sacrifice that instinct and trust my good God instead. It’s a choice that I will have to continually make because anxiety is my native tongue. Spending time studying and meditating on God’s Word has enabled me to trust him. Now fear is no longer my master.
The sacrifice of surrender is based in the belief that God is for me. God is in control of all the variables, so I don’t have to be. Through his perfect life, death and resurrection, Jesus won a place in Heaven for me. And for you.
Will you trust him?
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
Parents of Goers 