In the fall of 2012, I was part of a team that traveled to Africa to teach theology to the indigenous pastors and their wives. As I spent time with the African women, I was amazed by their ability to do anything–tend a garden, make nshima (cornmeal porridge), catch a chicken–with a baby tied to their back. Though I couldn’t speak the language and taught through an interpreter, I approached one of the women on a hot afternoon and asked her, through pantomime, if I could carry her baby on my back. This amused the group, and several of them cooperated to untie the baby from its mother. The mother approached with the untethered child and motioned for me to bend over slightly as she placed the infant on my back and threw the colorful chitenge over it. I was to grab the fabric at my shoulder and pull the other side under my opposite arm. After grasping the two free ends of the cloth, I gathered them in at the bottom and tied a knot tightly across my chest. When the women had adjusted the cloth so that the child’s head was supported but not covered, they told me to stand up. Though the tiny rider felt unfamiliar, she wasn’t heavy, and I was glad to experience this custom. Soon I became warm and asked the women to remove her. Though the entire process took coordination, it was fairly ingenious, and I applauded the women for their creative methods of keeping their children close.
When my son left to go abroad, I remembered that tied-to-mama baby. Tying on their babies gave the African women a sense of control. But, as the children grew and became too heavy, the mothers had to untie the knot and release them. Isn’t this an apt description of parenting? When our kids are under our roof, we feel we can control their safety. When they fly across the ocean, we forfeit that security. We may not like untying the knot, but if we keep our kids tied to us, they will never develop the spiritual “muscles” required for their role. As you learn to untie the knot, your child will learn to walk; walking on his own necessitates building a new support system from his teammates and friends; walking on her own allows her to feel the responsibility of managing her own resources, schedule, and emotions. When our kids find themselves in an unfamiliar place, they are more likely to walk toward God simply because we are not physically available. This is as it should be…even if it makes us feel less needed. Part of untying the knot means understanding our diminished (yet still vitally important!) role in their lives. Here are some practical suggestions to encourage your kids’ independence:
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Establish a regular–not suffocating–pattern of communication. For us, this is every other week. This may seem infrequent to some, but because of the time difference and the prolonged length of the video call, it works well for both families. We often text or FaceTime during the intervening days but save the long stories for our scheduled Skype sessions.
1.5. Initiate a regular “family call” where siblings can join in on the call with you and your Goer. The practice of participating in a family Skype session has soothed my mama heart. Having my kids all in one place–even virtually–brings a sense of normalcy. Before our family call, each caller often sends photos to the others via family text string. This gives everyone a glimpse into the lives of the others.
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Stay abreast of the news regarding your child’s overseas home. Skimming the headlines of current events in your child’s locale will help you to be informed and educated about their government, their freedoms (or lack of them) and the general social milieu. Let these observations guide questions you can ask your child (use care to use “safe” language in countries that monitor missionary movements) rather than create unnecessary fears.
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Read about or take a course on missions. My friend Diane, and fellow missionary mama, recently enrolled in an online course offered by her local church regarding missions. Contact your home church or peruse the website of your child’s sending church to see if any education is available to you. The IMB (International Mission Board) also has helpful resources and a variety of free online classes.
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Ask your goer how you can pray for their team. Then regularly and specifically pray for that request. My church uses the 10:02 prayer prompt where members are encouraged to set a daily alarm at 10:02 (am or pm) and then use this alarm as a reminder to pray for God to send workers to his harvest (See Luke 10:2). My goer’s team also sends out a monthly update with a link to a “fast and pray” sign-up sheet.
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Consider making the trip. If you can spare the expense and time (even if you must get a prescription medication to help you with the very long flight), it will comfort you to be able to visualize your kids in their own neighborhood; they will be proud to show you their new home! Your visit will increase their confidence because the role of parent and child will be inverted; they will be the guide and you will be the follower. Being immersed in their everyday-ness will give you an appreciation for the lives they have chosen. A visit will also give you a chance to spoil them with treats found only in the states and a little TLC!
Untying the knot is never easy, but it is necessary. Only when we surrender our kids to God can they rest between his shoulders instead of ours.
Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.
~Deuteronomy 33:12
Parents of Goers 