One of the main reasons many young people do not go overseas long-term is because of their parents. Parents, most often out of love, have a desire to keep their children safe and to guard them from the unknowns. Parents can and should be involved in the process of helping their young adult decide what to do with their lives.
There are other parents, some believers in Christ and others who are not, who will have a hard time when with their child expresses interest in cross-cultural missions. A lot of fears that can come into the mind of any parent when faced with this potential reality.
For some parents, it’s simply the fear of missing out on their kids lives. This one is the most understandable. When someone moves 8,000 miles away there is a loss; the loss of being able to get in the car and drive, whatever distance, to see their kids or to help them out if they are in need; the loss of seeing a marriage grow stronger or to see the grandkids grow up. Every parent will struggle with this. Keep this idea in mind as you talk with your parents. Empathize with them through this struggle. Give them the benefit of the doubt as they walk through the conflicting feelings they have about the opportunity impact the world and the sadness they feel in your leaving
Many parents have recently become empty nesters when this opportunity arises for their child. Some long for the opportunities they had with their kids when they were in the home and can feel a loss of purpose. If the idea of going overseas comes into the picture, this can compound that sense of loss.
There’s the fear of the unknown. Parents, while raising their kids, become very centered around providing safety and security for their children. A child going overseas strips parents of ANY ability to provide safety and security. Parents often become concerned about what the future holds for their child financially. Will they be able to get married? What if they get thrown in jail overseas? The list of unknowns goes on and on.
There’s the fear of their children wasting their lives. A child being a missionary, even to godly parents can feel like a waste of their child’s life. Many parents believe that they raised them to do more, to use their major, and to make money. Parents have invested so much in the lives of their children; time, energy, emotion, resources and so much more. It’s understandable that they would feel some fear about the outcome of their investment in their child’s life.
There’s also the fear of support raising. Many parents do not want their kids raising support from friends, neighbors or family. Some parents are embarrassed that their kids are missionaries. Others may not be embarrassed, but are ashamed their child is asking for financial support.
From a godly perspective, we know that many of these fears are symptoms of idolatry in parent’s lives. Those idols certainly need to be confronted at some point and with godly parents, hopefully resolved. But some of the fears are understandable and justified. As a potential Sent-One walking through the process of going overseas, it’s important to be cognizant of some of the fears your parents have. Consider those fears as you think through talking to your parents. Listen to their fears. With grace and truth, challenge their fears.
There are likely some of you at this point that are just really frustrated with your parents. You believe they have inordinate fears. You may feel like your parents are treating you like a child. You’re likely uncertain with how to proceed talking to your parents, and you are wrestling with how to obey the call God has on your life towards overseas. So, what does honoring your parents look like?
There are a couple of passages that are important when you are trying to navigate how to honor and obey your parents:
Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land. Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4
In these two passages, there are two commands: obey & honor. Before penning Ephesians 6:1-4, Paul writes in 5:21, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The context Paul provides is that all believers, everywhere are to submit to Christ and submit to one another to display this honor towards Christ. He then gives specific in 5:22ff in regards to the roles a husband and wife should have in relation to each, in order to honor Christ. It is following this, that children are commanded to obey and honor and promised blessing for doing so.
The Hendriksen Bible commentary on Ephesians 6 says, “To honor father and mother means more than to obey them…It is the inner attitude of the child towards his parents…To honor implies to love, to regard highly, to show the spirit of respect and consideration.” This passage goes beyond obeying, but to a heart of holding one in high esteem: The meaning of honor.
Friends, remember that God chose your parents. Whether your parents displayed godliness in their parenting or not, He chose your parents for you. That was no accident (Psalm 139). Even the sub-par parents provided for your daily needs. Likely your parents did much more. If they are godly, they likely taught you about Jesus and attempted to parent in a way that wasn’t self-serving. No matter how great or poor your parents were while you were growing up, God ordained for them to be your parents. God does not make mistakes. Your parents made mistakes raising you. Some more than others. But God brought your parents together in order to create your life . When you dishonor your parents, you dishonor the very plans and goodness of God. You are to respect them, honor them, to stay far from bitterness towards them, and to have an attitude in your heart of thankfulness.
GUIDING PARENTS THROUGH OVERSEAS PROCESS
Honor them by involving them in the decision-making process. As you consider going overseas, one of the best ways you honor your parents is by inviting them into the process early on. One of the main mistakes I see potential Sent-Ones making is lack of communication with their parents early on in the process. Whether you’re just graduating college or in your mid-30s, an important aspect of honoring your parents is relational connection; involving them in your life and involving them in your life decisions, not simply making life decisions and then telling them what you are doing. Even if you have parents that are ungodly, it is important to fulfill the command to honor them in this process.
Honor them by listening to their feedback. The promise from the 10 commandments of “it will go well with you” literally means that you will have a long life if you honor your parents. Why? Because generally speaking, parents are wise. They have lived enough life to understand how to not make certain mistakes in life. They have learned at least general wisdom and often Biblical wisdom that will help you to prosper. They also know you. While that may be for some the high school version of you, they know you. They can provide insight to help guide you.
Honor them by helping them understand the logistics of going. Parents, often better than missions organizations or pastors, have a sense of both where you are at financially and they have general financial wisdom. Lean into this, don’t ignore it. Be grateful for how your parents supported you through all your years that you were at home and the years that you were in college. For those of you who are just coming out of college, don’t forget the enormous investment your parents made in your college education. Honor them by truly understanding the sacrifices they have made and the fears they have. Even they weren’t able to give a lot of financial help, you should still share with them information about your process.
I have often encouraged potential goers to have their parents read The God Ask by Steve Shadrach. This is a required book for all our Sent-Ones and can be a great resource for Christian parents to understand the theology of support raising. I’ve found it to be quite helpful for parents that are fearful about this process and willing to take the time to learn. It also can be helpful for them to read a missions book like, Let the Nations Be Glad by John Piper or God’s Heart for the Nations by Jeff Lewis. Invite your parents in.
Honor your parents by remaining calm. It’s not unlikely that some of your conflicts with your parents in high school were fairly dramatic. It can be easy for some similar feelings to your conversations with your parents around this time to come back up when having conflict in the here and now. And I have heard of many conversations around going overseas escalate quickly. If you know your parents to be fairly temperamental, bring a friend or a loved one in to have the conversation with you. If you struggle to keep your calm with your parents, walk through areas of bitterness towards your parents first and forgive them. Walk through the Gospel and find your identity in that rather than what you think your parents feel towards you. Do your part to stay calm, to not take things personally. Have multiple conversations as necessary.
WHEN YOUR PARENTS DON’T WANT YOU TO GO OVERSEAS
As you walk through the sending process by listening, being clear with the information, and being calm, you may still run into opposition from your parents towards going overseas. So what do we do with this? With the reality of Ephesians 6:1-4 in mind, there are some other passages that challenge the command of obedience to parents:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
~Ephesians 5:31, quoting Genesis 2:24
If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, and even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. ~Luke 14:26
We must obey God rather than people.
~Acts 5:29
Clearly there is a tension to live in between the commands to obey and honor parents and the call to follow after Christ. How do we walk through this with the goal of going overseas? When are we free to not follow our parent’s wishes?
The only example the Scriptures give as to when we can leave our father and mother is when we are married. This does not mean that we discontinue honoring our parents. Rather it means our first allegiance, on this earth is to our spouse at that point. But for those who aren’t married, what does this mean? Does this mean I need to honor AND obey my parents wishes for the rest of my life or until I get married?
The Scriptures aren’t super clear on this. From wisdom I have encouraged young adults that once they are out of college and out from being financially tied to their parents to feel more freedom in their decisions to move from direct obedience to honor. In our culture, this time of life is where there is a clear movement to adulthood. Therefore, I think it is wise to say that you should feel more freedom to consider the calling God has placed on your life over your parent’s desires for you. But are there times where it makes sense to still delay going overseas in order to honor your parents?
Consider Timing
When people are considering overseas, there are often legitimate reasons mobilizers encourage potential Sent-Ones to wait. We encourage them to pay off as much debt as possible prior to going overseas. When they haven’t had much experience sharing the Gospel, we encourage them to do international ministry. When a potential Sent One gets married, we ask for them to wait a year before going overseas. When a couple is going to have a child, we encourage them to get used to being a parent while in the States prior to going. There are many reasons why we would ask someone to delay going overseas. As you commit yourself to your life’s calling, there will be reasons you can’t immediately jump into that life’s calling. Is it possible that it would make sense for someone to delay going overseas because their parents are not ready for them to go also? Let me share a few examples of people who waited in order to honor their parents:
When I was in college my parents didn’t want me to go overseas. They were moving from a Catholic Church to an Evangelical church, growing in their understanding of the Scriptures and of what it meant to be a disciple of Christ. So, I honored their wishes, spent a summer at home working for them and doing ministry at the church they were moving towards attending (God did ridiculous things that summer in my hometown and in my parent’s lives). I decided that I was going to wait until after I graduated to go overseas. I felt like at that point, I was free from my parents financially and that it was a better time for me to go with their blessing. So, I waited and went for a semester overseas after I graduated. To my joy, during that time, my parents ended up being excited for me to spend time overseas and my mom actually jumped on the missions committee at the church they started attending.
A co-worker of mine had a strong desire to go overseas right after college. He had gotten his degree in engineering. His parents were unbelievers and really wanted him to use his degree for a season. He decided he’d spend two years, living at home and honoring the investment his parents made in him to go to college to earn his degree. In the process of living at home for those two years, he led Bible studies in his home. As he led those studies his parents listened in from the other room. Eventually they came to know Jesus and became a big supporter of him having the opportunity to do ministry.
We hope that God is leading you to go overseas! We also hope that your parents will be fully on board. If they are not, ask the Lord to discern the proper time to go overseas. Seek counsel in that. It’s possible that going right away may be the best thing for you. It’s possible waiting may be the best thing for you. It’s unlikely that, if you sense a strong call to go cross-culturally, that sticking around the US forever to help your parents get fully on board would be your calling. But listen to God, let him lead you. Do not neglect honoring your parents through relational investment as you look towards going overseas.
This post was contributed by Mike Ironside.
Mike Ironside is the missions pastor at Cornerstone Church of Ames, Iowa. Within his role Mike overseas the Global missions department at Cornerstone. His primary focus is mobilizing long-term workers to the field under the Salt Network Global vision. Mike and his wife Emily have 4 kids. Mike and his wife were sent by Cornerstone Church to be a missionaries in East Asia with the IMB from 2009-11 and returned with a vision to send more to the nations.
Parents of Goers 