The COVID Conundrum
“We’re coming home!” They were the words I most wanted to hear…during a time I most wanted to hear them: the COVID-19 pandemic. As a mother of an overseas missionary, I have the unique sorrow and joy of sending my child across the ocean to share the love of Jesus. Even during the most normal of non-pandemic days, my heart and mind war against the “rightness” of my child’s calling; I authentically rejoice that God has chosen my son for His mission! But I also yearn to have him close, sharing life with him, his wife and our two-year-old granddaughter. This daily tension was unexpectedly loosened with a cryptic-sounding pre-dawn phone call in early April: “We got out 12 hours before the country closed its borders. We fly out in the morning.” I hung up the phone, sat in the darkness and cried. God was still in control.
After a safe flight home and two weeks in self-imposed quarantine, our kids and their team members joined their families for an unexpected furlough. I was both thrilled and saddened by this turn of events; thrilled because I would have my loved ones close (living in our basement!) and saddened because I knew they had to leave their own homes and friends and ministries behind. The future looked uncertain for both of us.
The Furlough Fallacy
Secretly, I loved the fact that my kids’ return date kept getting pushed farther and farther back; it meant that they would be in the states for family times at the lake house, their birthdays…maybe even Christmas! I knew it made them uncomfortable to have no clear plan for the future, but their unforeseen arrival had soothed my aching heart. Knowing that they had just endured upheaval, fear, and uncertainty, I was anxious to mother them and make them feel safe. In my exuberance, I made some assumptions about their furlough which added stress, rather than joy, to their unexpected presence in our lives. Since our kids were now home, I assumed they would be happy to be here, grateful for my motherly care, and eager to spend time doing normal “family things” together. In reality, though, here is what was true:
1. They weren’t happy about their unexpected furlough.
Of course, they were glad to see us and loved the soft beds and the easy access to a washing machine, but life as they knew had ended for a time. Their abrupt retreat from the country that they had called home for 4 years made them feel guilty and grieved. They wondered why God would put a passion in their hearts to minister across the ocean and then whisk it away with the onset of a global pandemic. They were confused and saddened by their sudden change in mission.
2. They struggled to be grateful as they adjusted to their “new-old” American culture and family expectations.
When the kids showed up on my doorstep, I was eager to serve them. I shopped and cooked and cleaned and watched our granddaughter whenever I was asked. It was the least I could do for them, I figured. But as days wore on and I continued to do the lion’s share of the tasks, I became resentful of what I perceived as their lack of gratefulness. In my well-worn motherly way, I had wanted to “do it all,” and told them so (they had even offered to help!), but I was now tired and wished that I had established clearer expectations for both families. As I spent more time with them, I also realized that they were experiencing reverse culture shock; they were trying hard to be thankful while resisting the urge to judge their families who were living–even if moderately–in this excessive American culture.
3. They needed to spend time alone to process what had just transpired.
When our kids arrived home, I had visions of spending time over coffee with them each morning and having long meaningful discussions in the evenings. We had lots of time to reclaim! Since I assumed they were no longer “working,” they would want to hang out with us, right? Wrong. My son had quickly left his country, flown on several airplanes, quarantined with 15 other people, and been plopped down in his childhood home…as a nearly 29-year-old man. As a team leader, he felt the weight of making wise decisions for both his peers and his family. He had leadership responsibilities in his church abroad. He had to think prudently about the future of his ministry. Sometimes, I’m sure, he was second guessing his calling. He and his wife had, in essence, endured trauma in this unwelcome pandemic. They needed to pray and process and lament apart from us. They had plenty of work to do but felt lots of pressure to spend time with family and friends. The unstated assumption of increased family bonding only made their internal angst all the more apparent.
The Gift of Grace
Realizing that I had errant expectations about how this furlough time would transpire, I chose to do some of my own lamenting. As a parent, it wasn’t wrong for me to expect to have joy when my child returned; I had so missed him! My error was in thinking that having him home would make me feel fulfilled. My faulty reasoning showed itself in sadness and resentment when he wasn’t happy, grateful, or eager to spend time with us. My satisfaction with my life will always be lacking if I rely on other people or my circumstances to give me joy. In unexpected furlough, as in all things, true satisfaction comes through Jesus and his finished work on the cross–for me, my kids, and all those who call on his name–both here and across the ocean. Yes, my kids are in limbo right now. And no, they aren’t able to interact face to face with those in their mission field. But God is still accomplishing his purposes despite this unwelcome hiccup. I was offered grace when my eternal future was uncertain, why should I not repeat the favor in a small way to my kids? Here are five ways we can offer our displaced missionaries more grace:
Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they seem ungrateful or inattentive, assume they are processing their experiences in the past or wondering about the future.
Readjust your expectations to fit your desire and ability. Do you want them to assist with household tasks or meal preparation? If so, let them know the ways that they can help. Making roles clear will enable them to contribute and allow you to do your work joyfully.
Ask them how they are feeling about their lives. What makes them happy about this time? What makes them sad? What are their fears about the future?
Create routine to give them something secure. Your kids’ lives are full of unknowns right now. Having a consistent (yet flexible) schedule of mealtimes, downtime, bedtime, etc. will give them the sense of structure that the rest of their life is lacking.
Enjoy! They won’t live with you forever. Intentionally build relationships with your kids and grandkids while they are living under your roof. Make memories that will sustain you when they are far away.
COVID 19 was unexpected. Our kids’ return home was unforeseen. But God never changes; he is never surprised; he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Let’s continue to trust his unchanging nature as we navigate an unknown future. And let’s do it together…with grace.
Parents of Goers 