“Allowing Suffering to do its work in the lives of our kids”
For the Love of Money
I’m not a huge television fan, but occasionally a Netflix series will grab my attention and quickly deteriorate my hard stance on media overindulgence. The reality show, “Alone,” is one such series. Each season ten people are dropped off in a remote location with a backpack that contains only the ten survival items they have chosen and the 60 pounds of camera equipment required to film their adventure. The contestant’s goal is to live off the land until they get incredibly lonely, seriously ill, or dangerously emaciated (interested in signing up?) Though they have the option to “tap out” anytime, most willingly endure great hardship just to win a large sum of money–$500,000. Because the participants can mentally imagine how the prize money will enhance their lives, many of them voluntarily put their bodies and minds to extreme tests of endurance. Why do I elaborate about a show that features individuals subsisting on sea kelp and slugs? Because I think the concept, a future reward > a present struggle, can prepare us to view our children’s suffering in a more positive light.
For the Love of God
In John 16, Jesus is teaching his disciples about the reality of his upcoming crucifixion and the grief that will ensue. Knowing they will suffer, he tells them, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Why did Jesus say this to them… and to us?
1. He knew we might look for peace in our circumstances
We love normal; when things are smooth, we feel content. But, when suffering comes, we feel out of control. Elisabeth Elliot, in her excellent book, Suffering is Never for Nothing, says, “If your faith rests in your idea of how God is supposed to answer your prayers . . . then that kind of faith is very shaky and is bound to be demolished when the storms of life hit. But if your faith rests on the character of him who is the eternal I AM, then that kind of faith is rugged and will endure.” We must look to Jesus, not our circumstances, if we want peace that endures.
2. He knew we might be tempted to run from trouble
Running is easy; enduring is hard. To press through hardship well, we must believe that our suffering is achieving something. Romans 5:3-5 helps us to see what that something is: “…but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Through our suffering we develop perseverance, character, and hope. These qualities make us more like Jesus and equip us for ministry to others. Referencing 2 Corinthians 1:4, David Powlison observed, “When you’ve passed through your own fiery trials, and found God to be true to what he says, you have real help to offer. You have firsthand experience of both his sustaining grace and his purposeful design. He has kept you through pain; he has reshaped you more into his image. . .. What you are experiencing from God, you can give away in increasing measure to others.” (Suffering and the Sovereignty of God)
3. He knew we might lose hope
We see obstacles and lose heart; God sees eternity and gives hope. Jesus saw future joy and willingly suffered the cross in our place (Hebrews 12:2); In the same way, when we are suffering, we must take the long view; “Therefore we do not lose heart… For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) Right now, our trials do not feel light, but in eternity’s economy that is an accurate description. C.S. Lewis wrote, “[Some mortals] say of some temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.” (The Great Divorce)
For the Love of Them
Here’s the problem, parents: our kids will suffer. Here’s the solution, parents: let them. When we rush to rescue our kids from suffering, we deny them the lessons they could have learned at Jesus’ side. When we demand that they remove themselves from the situations causing them pain, (counterfeit) peace is gained by running, not remaining. If we truly want our kids to develop perseverance, character, and hope, and if we want them to become the people they were intended to be, we have to love them by letting them suffer.
I get it mama. I get it dad. It is so hard to watch your child struggle. It is so hard not to want to remove the pain. At times that is the right response, but when your child is struggling maturely and well, don’t rescue them. Let God teach them and sustain them. Your kids understand that a future reward > a present struggle. They want to stay in the game, but–unlike the participants in the survival series–they don’t want to do it alone. So, encourage them with words of support. Write them notes of love. Walk alongside them and listen. Resist the urge to make it all better. Let God do the training and the refining. And let your children do the limping and longing as they learn to abide in the eternal I AM.
Parents of Goers 